


The Hobbit and Thorin’s Thirteen

by darth_stitch



Series: A Cracked Hobbity Fairy Tale Headcanon [1]
Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: All Aboard the HMS Bagginshield, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Crack, Cracked Headcanon, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Romance, Sneaky Sherlock References Ahoy, Yet Another Hobbit Kink-Meme Prompt Fill, bagginshield
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-19
Updated: 2013-02-19
Packaged: 2017-11-29 19:32:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/690626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darth_stitch/pseuds/darth_stitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Hobbity Fairytale in which we have a ridiculously handsome, if incredibly grumpy Dwarf Prince, a Hobbit non-Princess with Fairy Blood, Twelve Dwarves who should really stop wagering on the love life of their future King and a Wizard who really needs to stop hitting the pipeweed.  And a dragon, a pair of squirrels, a Hedgehog and a Warg because we're not allowed to forget them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hobbit and Thorin’s Thirteen

This story, in its original form, was first posted at [The Blanket Fort - Darth Stitch on Tumblr](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/41176670981/the-hobbit-and-thorins-thirteen-a-hobbity)

 

[ ](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/image/41176670981)

****  
  
This story usually starts with “In a hole in the ground, lived a hobbit.”  It’s a perfectly nice beginning and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.

But if one actually wants to figure out how this whole mess started, it’s when a certain Took Ancestor went and fell in love and took a Fairy for a wife.  Iain Took had certainly not expected to be part of a literal fairy tale.  However, there was nothing he wouldn’t do for his beloved Snowlock and when poor Snowlock fell under an evil curse, there was nothing for it but to break that curse with the Kiss of True Love. 

Amongst the Took clan, this accounts for the reason why 99% of the Tooks are Odd and anyone with even a smidgen of Took blood is still guaranteed to be a bit on the Daffy and Fey Side. 

This also includes their unusual affinity for animals.  Though with the recent generations, it usually was just one particular animal.  Great-Uncle Iain (not the one with the Fairy Wife - this was a namesake) had a great affinity for hedgehogs while it was known that the Old Took, Gerontius, was followed everywhere by otters.  Belladona Took, Bilbo’s dear mother, was rather fond of cats.  When her little Bilbo was yet a faunt, he was often watched over by her favorite marmalade kitty, who kept the little Baggins child out of trouble and accompanied him on his first little adventures.

So when Bilbo Baggins, who somehow managed to stay true to his own Took blood despite his very Baggins sensibilities, ran off with Thorin Oakenshield and his disreputable (at least in the eyes of the Shire) band of Dwarves, Bilbo was first scolded for his Tookish impetuousness by a pair of squirrels. 

“You can’t stop me,” Bilbo sternly told the chattering pair, who had suddenly leapt down from a nearby tree as he passed by on his pony.  This startled poor Dori, made Bofur stare, before he absolutely died of sheer hilarity at the sight of the hobbit arguing with a pair of fuzzy forest creatures.  It also caught the attention of Fili and Kili who were also quite fascinated with the hobbit’s apparent acquaintance with said squirrels.

The squirrels appealed to Gandalf so Bilbo would stop this madness.  But the Wizard only took a puff on his pipe and told the little creatures that it was quite important that Bilbo accompany the Dwarves to Erebor and that, indeed was that.

The squirrels took it upon themselves to keep an eye on Bilbo and claimed a place in his coat pocket for the rest of the journey.   That is, if they weren't off chattering with Fili and Kili who got along with the Mischievous Squirrel Pair quite well, much to the horror of their Uncle Thorin.  While the Squirrels had their own Secret Names, much like Dwarves, they happily accepted the nicknames "Fee and Kee," in honor of the Dwarves in the Company they thought had the most common sense.   
  
You can see why this made Thorin Oakenshield very, very nervous.   
  
Aside from the squirrels, Bilbo would soon acquire other “pets.”  Martin the Hedgehog, after respectfully taking his leave of Radagast, would soon claim his place in Bilbo’s other coat pocket. 

Thorin wasn’t sure what to make of these additional members to the company but since the animals were rather useful and they were generally better at staying out of trouble than the rest of the company, he allowed it. 

The first time Dwalin commented about hedgehog and squirrel stew, he was soundly pelted by nuts and quills from the offended parties.  The Dwarf would eventually make amends for his tactlessness when he took the time to search for nuts and fruit for the squirrels and hedgehog. 

According to Martin, who happened to be a hedgehog of very impeccable taste, Dwalin had a good eye for food and thus soon began to spend his time in the Dwarf’s pockets, when he wasn’t with Bilbo.  It was just a pity that Dwalin hadn’t a clue on how to speak hedgehog but Bilbo was shanghaied into doing so, if only because it is a Firm Rule of Thumb that _nobody_ can resist a hedgehog when they wanted something done.   
  
That the Hobbit oddly resembled the Hedgehog and had the same effect on one Thorin Oakenshield was something that everyone else chose not to mention.  Unless you counted Gandalf, who chuckled to himself and blew smoke rings that somehow resembled hedgehogs and hearts.   
  
Thorin Oakenshield would have preferred to avoid Rivendell altogether, but a pack of Warg-riders and the possibility of meddling from not just one, but _two_ Wizards, made it unavoidable.   While Elrond of Rivendell, unlike certain Mirkwood Kings, was the soul of courtesy and hospitality, despite the decided lack of Dwarf-worthy feasting in his halls, Thorin was still Very Unhappy about the Whole Mahal-cursed Situation.   
  
Of course, this had nothing to do with the way the Elves of Rivendell fussed and cooed over one Bilbo Baggins.  To say nothing of the expression of wonder and amazement that had never quite left the Hobbit since he came to the Last Homely House.  And of course, Bilbo's animal friends were in utter bliss too.

This also had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Thorin was oddly drawn to ensure that the hobbit was safe and protected, despite the fact that he had already sternly advised Gandalf that he was not responsible for Bilbo’s fate.  The Elves were Good People, everyone else said that but Thorin, of course, knew better. 

We must take a moment to be fair to the Elves, as they had not seen a Hobbit of Bilbo's specific bloodlines in ages.  Also, Elrond distinctly remembered Iain Took and Snowlock and was rather fond of them both and he could see much of them in their descendant so he and his Elves ought to be forgiven if they were rather concerned about one particular adventuring Hobbit. 

Yes, everybody knows that this is how it starts. 

Thorin snarks in majestic fashion, Bilbo snarks back.  Everyone, including the squirrels and hedgehog, start to feel a certain unresolved tension in the air. 

As a consequence, bets were placed and Nori kept track of who bet on what.  And yes, even the squirrels and hedgehogs took part in the wagering. 

It took Fili and Kili all off five minutes to decide that Bilbo would make a great new uncle.  This may have everything to do with the fact that during their stay at Rivendell, Bilbo managed to charm the Elvish cooks into letting him loose in their kitchen and he made the boys their favorite dessert. 

Of course, Ori could’ve told the boys that Bilbo would have made a wonderful second uncle _ages_ ago, especially when he and Bilbo bonded over knitting.  It was Ori who made Martin the hedgehog a most wonderful cream cable-knit sweater.  It was most becoming. 

But much to Thorin's delight and Bilbo's regret, the Company had to resume their quest and leave Rivendell.  Other animals wanted to go with Bilbo on his Quest but Thorin started complaining that they were beginning to pick up a regular menagerie and they would soon become more zoo than a dragon-slaying company.  And while Bilbo made his apologies to the animals residing at Rivendell for Thorin's bad manners, he was rather thankful that he didn't have more creatures to look after, not to mention creatures who were quite observant and regularly pointed out Bilbo's well-hidden interest in Certain Stiff-Necked Dwarven Kings.   
  
Bilbo, of course, was being overly optimistic on several counts. 

At this point, it would be quite obvious that Bilbo, whose fairy inheritance was rather quite strong, would possess power over many forest creatures.  He’d always had an affinity for the wilder animals though he did not realize, until this particular adventure, that even fiercer and more dangerous creatures would come at his call.

To his credit, Thorin thought he was protecting Bilbo from the Warg, especially since the hobbit had already proven himself to be a valuable member of the company, including that not-so-minor business of saving Thorin’s life.  Bilbo soon sorted out that misunderstanding and the Warg was utterly delighted to follow a pack leader who was a lot more free with warm affectionate scritches than beatings. 

The Warg soon ended up joining Nori’s betting pool after he wondered aloud to the squirrels, which were Pack and thus, Not Prey, why is it that Pack Leader had not yet mated with the Dwarven King, considering that they acted very much like mates already.  The squirrels told him that the Two-Legged Ones were Very Strange Creatures and explained to him the concept of the Betting Pool.   
  
The Warg was quite happy to join in.   
  
There were a few bad moments when the entire Company had been split apart when they encountered spiders and the suspicious Elves of Mirkwood, Bilbo managing to smuggle the Dwarves out of the Elven-king's dungeons via barrels and the river and all sorts of shenanigans that Thorin personally thought they shouldn't have lived through.  Somehow, they all managed to meet up in Laketown, including Bilbo's Warg, who, because of Bilbo's care and regular brushing of his fur, was starting to resemble a rather overgrown Wolf-Dog crossbreed than a Warg.  Of course, that was what Bilbo liked to think.  The Company carefully didn't enlighten Bilbo that _nobody_ was about to contradict a Hobbit who could call a Warg "Fluffy" and regularly scratched its belly into bliss.   
  
Thorin, of course, took note of those gentle, clever Hobbit hands and tried very much _not_ to think of what it would be like if _he_ got scritched into bliss.  Among other things.  Nope, he wasn't thinking of _that_ at all.  

Poor Smaug the Dragon would never know what hit him when confronted with the Hobbit of Fairy Blood.  It is a little-known fact that Dragons, before they were taken and corrupted by the Great Enemy, were once the protectors of Fairies.  And when Bilbo finally came to the Lonely Mountain, Smaug the Magnificent found something that had finally filled the missing part of his fiery draconic heart for long ages - far more than the need to hoard treasure. 

Unfortunately, there was that nasty business of Thorin succumbing to the gold-madness that plagued his grandfather and father and the fact that Bilbo had to use the Arkenstone to prevent Thorin from declaring war on what should be his allies.  Hard words were exchanged and hearts were utterly broken.

Despite his utter disgust at what happened, Smaug declared that he would fight on the side of the Hobbit.  The Warg was in full agreement and the squirrels and the hedgehog were quite willing to take up arms on Bilbo’s behalf, if only it involved knocking Good Stout Hobbit-Sense into Certain Stiff-Necked Dwarven Kings’ Heads.

Thus, the Orcs and other Evil Forces of Certain Necromancers were given a nasty shock when the Dragon of the Lonely Mountain chose to fight on the side of the Dwarves, Elves and Men, all for the sake of one Hobbit, during the famous Battle of Five Armies. 

It was not a curse that sent Bilbo Baggins into a near-fatal sleep.   
  
It was the fact that Bilbo, using his magic ring, had been grievously wounded saving the lives of the two Dwarf princes who had become quite dear to him and a Certain King Under the Lonely Mountain, who still retained ownership of Bilbo’s broken heart.  

The wisest thing Thorin would ever hear in those dark days when Bilbo hovered between life and death would come from a Certain Dragon.

“It would be simple, if you could only kiss him awake, like in those children’s tales,” Smaug had said.  “You cannot, O King, but I would think that it would be your voice that must call him home.  He will hear you and he will know if you speak the truth and if you truly love him as you claim, he will return for you.”

“And if he does not?” Thorin challenged him.

The Dragon sniffed and smoke issued from his nostrils.  “Then I pity you, King Under The Mountain, if you still doubt your own heart.” 

It was Thorin’s song that had awakened the call to adventure for Bilbo Baggins.  Thorin would craft a new song, that spoke of his sorrow and his regret and his love and his longing for a Certain Stubborn and Impossibly Brave Hobbit Burglar.  It was only fitting that Thorin’s song would call Bilbo back from the brink.   
  
The first thing that Bilbo said upon waking up, to see Thorin sitting next to his bed, was "Your song is beautiful."   
  
There were many things that Thorin Oakenshield should have said, upon being greeted with the sight of a Mahal-be-blessed, wide-awake Hobbit.  But the first thing and the only thing that left his lips were simply, "I do love you, Bilbo Baggins."   
  
Bilbo reached for his hand and managed to press a kiss into his palm, nuzzling against it.    "You said that as much already and very beautifully too.  I didn't stand a chance."   
  
"I will say it and I will continue to say it, for as long as we both shall live and quite possibly beyond that, if you'll let me."

"You may do so, because I do love you as well, Thorin Oakenshield and you will always have this one silly Hobbit from the Shire, for as long as we both shall live and very possibly beyond that."   
  
Thorin smiled.  "Not very silly at all, my dear Hobbit.  Not very silly in the very least."  

Of course, there was much kissing involved.  Fili and Kili would claim to be thoroughly traumatized by the sight but no one actually believes them, considering that Thorin’s nephews were absolutely ecstatic at gaining one Fussy Hobbit Burglar as a family member.

The winner of the Bagginshield Betting Pool was the Warg.   
  
Of course, it was Gandalf the Grey who officiated at the wedding of Thorin Oakenshield and Bilbo Baggins.  Radagast assisted, of course, but he had to stop a few times as he was a rather sentimental Wizard and had ended up decimating a good supply of pocket-handkerchiefs.  The Dragon, Squirrels, Hedgehog, Warg and twelve other Dwarves were equally overcome with sentiment and it was rather fortunate that Gandalf had the foresight to bring more pocket-handkerchiefs for everyone. 

And as all good stories should, Bilbo Baggins would live happily at the side of his Dwarven King till the end of his days. 

No, it wasn’t Bilbo’s fault that Gimli, Gloin’s son would run away with an Elf of Mirkwood.   
  
\- end -

**Author's Note:**

>  **Note:**  
>  I can’t find the prompt from the LiveJournal Hobbit Kink meme anymore but I am very sure that I saw a prompt having Bilbo as Snow White, some nods to the legend of a Took ancestor taking a Fairy Wife and animals taking to Bilbo liek whoa.  I wanted to do my own riff on this idea, with a Bagginshield twist.  I am aware that there are other, most excellent answers to this prompt as well, and I hope nobody minds that I wanted to join in the fun. 
> 
>  **Note the Second:** Yep, I extended some things from my original headcanon post in Tumblr.  I couldn't resist. 
> 
>  **Note the Third:** Yep, there is a second story in this series.  I just have to fix it up. 
> 
>  **ETA Note the Fourth** : The [Original Livejournal Prompt](http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/1990.html?thread=1198790#t1198790) has been found! YAY!
> 
>  **Picture Source:** [Thorinoakenshield.net](http://thorinoakenshield.net/the-hobbit-photo-gallery/)


End file.
